Updated: Feb 10
Happy people make me sick!
Yes, there are times when I look at a person who is constantly happy and I think:
"What's their bag? How are they doing that?"
You see, it's not good to be happy ALL the time.
To laugh when someone makes a joke.
To giggle at the end of each sentence.
To smile when someone asks you something.
To agree with what someone says even though you disagree with it.
There's a word for this kind of thing in the psychotherapy business and it's called
Eh? What the heck is that when it's at home?
For a while, I wondered what that was until someone explained to me in simple language and it all fell into place. It means:
When someone tells you something you don't agree with or don't want to do, but you do it anyway - with a smile.
it's a knowing inside that you're doing something you really don't want to do - yet you smile while you do it.
Why do you smile when you do or say something that you know doesn't sit right with you?
Because you want to please?
Because you want to make someone else happy?
Because you don't want to get a bad reaction from them?
Because you don't want to feel threatened by disagreeing with them?
There can be any number of reasons. Here's a scene you can possibly relate to, you can switch the genders to suit your own situation, but to make it easy, I've chosen a male and female scenario:
You're out on a date with the man of your dreams and it's a dismal failure. You walked to the restaurant in the rain, your hair got messed up, your make-up got ruined and your dress got soaked. You smiled when you sat down at the table and he didn't noticed any of these things that upset you. He asked you to go Dutch with the bill (i.e. pay for half - you're working so why not?) and you smiled. Then he asked you "My place or yours?"
All the way through the date, you felt miserable. From before the beginning right through to the end. Yet, still you continued to smile.
You laughed at his jokes and you smiled prettily even though you thought he hadn't listened to a word you said or noticed how you looked. As a result, you felt so decidedly unappreciated.
So, why the heck would you want to go back to his place - or yours?
The thing is, you had waited a long time for this date. You had idiolised the guy for ages. Now, you think, this is your opportunity to be with him. Not only for a couple of hours in a restaurant, but all night - and perhaps for life too (yes, wedding bells always seem to enter the equation)!
Therefore, even though you really don't feel like going back to his place after such a disastrous date, you still want to please him.
So, you smile, he takes you by your hand and...
The thing is, you will feel in your gut that this is all kinds of wrong. Your heart and emotions pull you one way, while your logic and body pull you another.
This is what we call cognitive dissonance.
You do something to please someone else, even though it upsets you.
So, how do you deal with this and still be happy? How do you feel less anxious? Less alone?
Recognise your own self as an individual human being.
Understand you are a person who doesn't NEED someone to validate you.
Know if this guy dumps you (because you don't want to give him what he wants after spending the evening with you), that's not such a bad thing. If he cannot see you for who you are, then why do you want to be with him?
Remember, if you give in now, you'll be giving into it forever and a day afterwards. It's oh so much easier to nip it in the bud, than to play along with the game that doesn't make you feel 'easy' inside.
Quit being happy to make other people happy.
To laugh at a bad joke, or to smile when someone needs reassurance, is human. It's reassuring to another person. But, be happy because you are happy inside and out.
You can cry and feel down occassionally. That's ok. You're a human being and human beings are designed to feel stress, anxiety and even a little sad at times. it's nature's way of making you recognise what's really going on in your life.
Your body, mind and emotions send you signals all the time. It's time now to stop ignoring them. Stop going against them. Realise they are there to help you move in the right direction.
All of life is an experience.
The more experiences we have, the better and more fuller we feel when we reach the end of it.
If making someone else happy is at the expense of your own happiness, then it's really time to think twice about what's going on inside.
Kaye Bewley MA
Kaye is a freelance publisher, author and certified psychotherapist with over three decades of experience. She is also a writer for various blogs about writing, publishing, travelling and health care.
Feel free to visit her BewleyBooks.com site, where you can sign-up to follow her on her various social media platforms.